Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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