god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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