i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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