My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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