well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
