In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
