Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
