he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dicks are not precious.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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