We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
