Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
