the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
