I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
