im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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