Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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