I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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