btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
