Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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