Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
