I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
