I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
