Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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