Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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