i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Panties = found
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
