Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
did i just pee glitter
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
