My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
