Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
