new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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