So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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