I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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