420 ftw
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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