Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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