Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
