i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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