Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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