Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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