I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
