Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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