Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Your cock deserves a montage
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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