Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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