I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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