I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
