this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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