I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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