It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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