his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
