The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
