ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
