I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
