So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
