i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
