they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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