Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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