I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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